Depression.

Hey, hi, hello. It's been a while. But I'm back. And in a writing mood. So here it goes.

*takes deep breath*: Hi, I'm Jasmine, and I have mild to moderate depression.

*chorus of voices*: Hi Jasmine.

This last year or so I've battled with anxiety and depression. In college it was mostly anxiety, and mostly related to social anxiety, so meeting new people, going to unfamiliar social events, that sort of thing. But as graduation came up, and the daunting and terrifying idea of no longer being in school and having to figure out my life as an "adult" loomed, something changed in my mindset.

Depression is weird. Sometimes I forget I have it. But most of the time, it is a constant shadow in the back of my mind. Sometimes the shadow is darker and heavier than other times. Lately, it's like Karl the Fog and rolls in at the end of the day, makes things hazy without clouding them too much. I never noticed it before, so now that it is such a constant, it's hard to remember what it was like before. I know there was a time where I wasn't afraid of everything, wasn't so timid to do new things, wasn't so quick to anger or quick to cry or quick to doubt myself.

I guess it seems so weird because your brain tells you one thing while making you feel another. It's like a disconnect between reason and the deep sense of self, somewhere in you. When I'm in a bout of depression, it's like a weight is on my shoulders. I can still laugh, still talk to people, be polite, enjoy being with family or doing things I like. But it doesn't seem to touch anything in my head. It doesn't make me feel, even though I know it should.

I can't even really describe it, because I don't really understand it. When I think about it pragmatically, there's no reason to feel these things. But it doesn't matter. It's infuriating to not have control over yourself. It's frustrating. And it makes me sad that I can't remember what it felt like before.

On November 1st, I have my first depression class that teaches people how to cope and work with depression (and anxiety). And while I'm doing much better now than I was a month ago, due to figuring out ways to do things that I enjoy, I have a long way to go before every second thought I have is "I should feel happier about this, more excited about that, this isn't how I would've reacted before." And maybe it's because I've changed as a person, grown up or something. But it feels more like a regression than progression. But, hopefully, I'll continue to find things that bring me joy, that helps fend off Karl (sorry Karl), and eventually, even if I can't go back to before, I'll learn to accept and work with the now.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don't think many people know about this part of my life. To be honest, it's fairly new, and a lot of people who knew me would have no reason or way to know. I've suffered with self esteem issues and such all my life, but kept it inside. But I think it's important to get it out there, because I feel like I'm known one way to the public but feel another.

If the way you feel inside is in complete disconnect from the person other people see, even those you love, it doesn't make your feelings any less valid. It took me a long time to get there.

Anyway, here's a list of things I've found to help me feel better when I'm feeling down.

1. Petting my cat 

2. Writing and drawing in my bullet journal

3. Watching videos of calligraphy or cooking on YouTube.

4. Listening to podcasts while driving. 

5. Writing creatively on my blogs or working on my stories.

6. Watching movies

7. Crying in the shower. 

8. Posting pictures of Europe on Instagram.

9. Writing one positive thing every day.

10. Taking lots of deep breaths and knowing it will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it.