So. I bought a plane ticket to Scotland. Yep.
This is not something I do often.
I mean, of course flying across the world by myself is not something I do often. But I am not an impulsive person. I'm not someone who does this. I can count the times I've traveled alone on one hand. I spend days deciding if I'm going to spend $1.99 on a book on Amazon. I beat myself up for buying too much washi tape at Michaels when I should be saving my money.
But let's be real. 2016 sucked. It sucked so incredibly hard. At least, for me. For a lot of reasons, I feel like 2017 is going to be a struggle too. I didn't plan any New Years Resolutions. I'm approaching this year much like I approach Cal sports: No Expectations. I am constantly being pulled between going one day at a time and attempting to make long term changes in my life that are months away (coughgradschoolcough).
But at the beginning of January I wrote this (see picture) and as I bought my plane ticket and booked my hotel and knew I was spending a lot of my savings and knew that this probably wasn't the most responsible or reasonable decision, I kept coming back to what I added the this picture when I posted it on Instagram: that I want to do more things that scare the shit out of me in 2017. And being this impulsive (stupid) scares the living daylights out of me.
I am lost. This is not a secret, as most of my conversations with friends, family, and sometimes strangers include the phrase "I have no idea what I'm doing" accompanied by a panicked and/or resigned look. I don't particularly enjoy my job. I've had interviews for my desired career but none have panned out (obviously). I'm applying to programs and grad school because I don't really know what else to do. I feel like a failure most of the time. I told myself I'd move to New York in March of 2017. I told myself I'd get a teaching credential if I didn't have a job within a few years. I told myself a lot of things. I haven't followed through with most of them. I am so, so lost. But the difference between last year and this year is that I'm trying to make decisions, big and small, that will actively change my life. I changed my approach to dieting. I started bullet journaling at the end of last year. I'm trying to actively do things I know make me happy, like writing and watching YouTube and hiking (well, once the weather gets a bit better).
One thing I didn't tell myself was that I was going to travel. But here I am.
I spent a lot of 2016 asking myself "What makes you happy?" In my bouts of depression, I couldn't even remember what real happiness felt like, if what I was feeling was happiness or if it just wasn't depression or sadness. I don't know if this trip will help me answer that question. But I know that the thought of it, of spending my meager savings on something so adventurous and frivolous and unlike me, made me more excited and happy than I'd felt in a long time.
It might not have been the smartest decision, but it was a decision. A big one. One that I think will have a really positive impact on my mental health. At this point in my life, I'll take it where I can get it.
So. Basically. I'm going to Scotland in May (yay!).
P.S. I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
